Christmas is a time when everybody gets Santamental. It is good to have fun but there are real anomalies. It’s either a time of celebration, joy and exuberance; or it’s a lonely, depressing and sad time. Those less fortunate will not relish the celebrations. Those who have lost loved ones will want to preserve dignity. Those who detest dark, dank days will yearn for brighter times. Thinking about others is always important – never more so than at Christmas. MMPI chooses to exude some light-hearted jollity in this piece in the hope that none find it offensive. The following random ramblings spell out Christmas for us.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year – well most of the time – well sometimes – never mind I’ll buy my own stuff!!
It’s supposed to be about the adoration of Mary and Jesus but it’s more like an excuse for overindulgence on dairy and cheeses;
Four stages of life – you believe in Santa; you don’t believe in Santa, you dress up to look like Santa, you’re fat and ugly like Santa. (Don’t blame Christmas – you were overweight in August.)
What the dog might say, “Some fat bloke tried to break in last night but I chased him away.”
Christmas feminism – A virgin birth is credible, but three wise men?
Christmas for adults – Christmas is when your monthly electricity bill is higher than your mortgage repayments. We’re hoping for a white Christmas but if the white runs out we’ll drink red. You know you’re getting old when Santa starts to look younger. I once bought my kids batteries for Christmas with a note that said, “Toys not included!”
Hot tip 1. Send out your thank you cards in advance so that people will know what to get you.
Hot tip 2. Wrap up empty cardboard boxes as presents and when your child misbehaves throw one in the fire.
Santa saw your naughty Instagram pictures. You’re getting proper clothes and a bible. He also saw your other social media posts. You’re getting a dictionary.
Tsunami – T is silent; Honest – H is silent; Knee – K is silent. Mum didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas – the whole house is silent.
Why did Santa go to song and dance classes? So he could improve his wrapping skills!
Santa works one day a year and spends the rest of the time judging you.
Christmas gave the word ‘stable’ a new meaning – as in mother and baby are stable.
What do you call a snowman with a six-pack? An abdominal snowman!
What is Santa Claus’ favourite measurement? The santametre!
People act as if the north and south poles are exactly the same – but there’s a world of difference between them!
What do you get if you cross a Christmas tree with an iPad? A pineapple!
Where do you find reindeer? It really depends on where you leave them!
Who is the Christmas tree’s favourite singer? Spruce Springsteen!
Why did Rudolph get such a poor school report? Because he went down in history!
What do you sing at an elf’s birthday party? Freeze a jolly good fellow!
What language does Santa speak? North Polish!
Where does Santa stay on his holidays? At the ho-ho-ho-tel!
What did Adam say the day before Christmas? It’s Christmas, Eve!
A sign that got it right – Honk if you love Jesus. Keep on texting while you drive if you’d like to meet him!
A sign that got it wrong – Three-night Christmas break includes a packed programme of family entertainment, a crèche, excellent food and a visit from Satan!
We would like to wish all our friends a very safe, happy and enjoyable Christmas. Thank you for your loyalty and support over the years. We sincerely hope you get to greet all your loved ones over the holiday season! Very best wishes for 2020 and beyond from all in the MMPI Group!